Three SWA Flight Attendant Stooges Create a Day Out for Baby!
(Just another day in Linda’s comedy of a life!)
It’s not every day you will find me, 27 year veteran Southwest Airlines Flight Attendant, Linda Smith, a.k.a. “Nana”, on my knees, on the floor of a rental van, changing out of sandy, ocean soaked clothes and into my Southwest uniform while a two year old watches me with mixed bafflement and amazement!
It’s not my intention to join the Chinese Circus anytime soon; however, that afternoon it looked like I was auditioning! It’s not easy squeezing into 13 inches of floor space behind a long-legged driver, and staying low enough to be out of view of passersby, or the driver’s rear view mirror. It was pretty talented of me, if I might say so myself. You should have been there to see it, uh, well, maybe not!
Phoenix is just too darn hot to hang out with a two year old in the park, the zoo, or a wagon ride around the neighborhood. The boy and I have had allthe detox, natural sauna, treatments we want, or need, thank you!
To fix this dilemma, I decided to jump a plane and head to San Diego. Never go anywhere ALONE with a two year old! So, knowing that, I called my dear flight attendant friend, Dennis! He’s so easy! All I had to say was, “the beach” and “maybe even Sea World” and I HAD him! YES!
We got to my daughter’s house where she handed me a half naked boy with a suitcase of clothes that looked like they were packed by a blender. My daughter is another SWA flight attendant who had a late night and was proving in that moment she just does NOTdo A.M.’s! No kidding!
“Oh, by the way, Mom, I only have one pass for him to get there. I have no return pass!” she informed me! Life just got more complicated! Great!
Naked boy, a.k.a. Sage, gets sort of dressed, suitcase gets jumped on, and off we go to the airport!
Rush hour traffic, road work, remedial and kamikaze drivers all showed up to add flavor to our day! Oh Goodie! Don’t ask me to explain why we took two vehicles to the airport! Can’t explain it! I drove my van, which had a car seat in it for Sage. Dennis drove behind me.
I had the fortune of driving in the fast lane because I had the “short guy” with me! Dennis forgot his Blow Up Doll, so the man was lagging behind in the hoards of traffic.
Dennis phoned me, “Gee, I could have moved the car seat into my car and we could have all gone together, in the FAST LANE!” Do I need to respond to that? Dennis is, usually, quite quick witted and on the ball! Don’t know what was up with all of that! It wasn’t his turn that day, I guess!
Flight attendants are supposed to know how to pack light, right? Well, not when you’re traveling with a stroller, car seat, two year old, beach towels and sand castle making devices in your suitcase, along with your underwear! Not to mention a survival food bag!
I left Dennis to deal with that mess while I ran down to the supervisors’ desk to get a return pass for Sage so we wouldn’t have to leave him there to entertain the animals.
Sage pulls a little penguin suitcase behind him when he travels, and has it mastered! Like a little movie star Sage walked down the airplane aisle getting applause and kudos; and then there was his entourage following behind him!
Oh yeah, got lots of stares as I, in uniform, mind you, dragged my “semi-tractor trailer” of luggage, and toddler paraphernalia down the aisle! The pilots, and flights attendants, just leaned up against the galley completely entertained, as I banged into that seat, then this one, hooked onto an armrest, ran over a guy’s foot, smacked a forehead, and nearly jerked my arm out of the socket when the “trailer” got caught up on a row of seats!
Ever had one of those days where you just wish you could get small enough to crawl under the rug? Its one thing to be in regular street clothes and do that, but in uniform? Sigh!
We got to San Diego and had a ball at Sea World! Sage was so thrilled with every bit of it. He ran, he clapped, he danced, and he cheered the whales and dolphins on! He collapsed and slept through dinner, only to awaken fully refreshed in time for the night show and fireworks! “Sage, was that a good day?” I asked. “Oh, Nana, it was a great day!” he said with glee. Yes, it was a fun and very big day!
Twenty minutes after we got to our hotel Sage threw up all over the place! He had a bit of a runny nose when we started but things got serious that night. Cleaned up the mess, got to bed and asleep when it happened again; all over me!
Next morning Sage was chipper and ready to roll. We went to Denny’s and after eating two pieces of strawberries he hurled all over the table, himself and me. Sage was hot with fever. He collapsed in my arms after the drama of that scene.
We took him to Urgent Care. They sent us to the hospital. There we met with the usual long Emergency Room delays. Finally, we are told the good news that he doesn’t have the “Pig Flu” stuff. We were informed that he “just had a cold” and, basically, we tried to kill the boy with fun! Thanks Doc!
Sage slept some more and woke up revived, pleading to go to the beach. A promise is a promise! We had talked about the beach before. We both felt for this boy, who had just been through a little personal Hell. The beach was very close. Dennis and I looked at each other, and I said, “Should we? Maniacs, on a mission?” We headed to the beach.
Just as we arrived the ice cream man was coming down the street and starting to pass us! I flagged him to stop. I bought “popsicles” for the three of us. F.Y.I., anything yummy, frozen on a stick is a “Popsicle”. It was an unusually hot day and the “popsicles” were rapidly melting; mostly on me, of course.
When we got close to the water Sage ran full steam ahead. He, also, could not wait to eat that “Popsicle”. Smart Nana rolled up her jeans and headed into the water with her agenda and the Popsicle Boy! Every bite he took ended up mostly on his face because of the melted condition of this thing they called a “Push Up”! I was so grateful for those little gentle waves rolling in to us where I could scoop up a hand full of water and wash off his face. Tried not to think where the water had been!
We both were squealing like little girls as small shells rolled up to the beach with each wave. We gathered shells, I pushed the pushup thing and he “chomped” it! The only thing missing was background music, a Golden Retriever leaping in the water around us with the sun gleaming in the background!
It wasn’t long before THE wave hit Sage and knocked him off his feet, soaking his street clothes. “Uh-Oh Nana!” he exclaimed! “Ah, no sweat buddy, have fun! Do it again!” as I gently pushed him into the water onto his bottom. Caught him off guard and he loved it. He got up laughing! “Again Nana!” he shouted.
Just then I saw Dennis looking ready to go. I was so enthralled with Sage’s joy about his “Push Up” and the ocean; I forgot Dennis was standing there with my “Popsicle” of fake banana ice cream covered in a chocolate flavored plastic coating. Health food, you know.
Sage and I exited the water, and Dennis handed me a paper package of banana and chocolate soup! I plopped onto the sand, opened up one end and drank it. Sage donated the tail end of his “Push Up” to the seagulls who had no clue what the heck he just gave them! That is a story in itself!
Dennis, in his usual, calm, quiet manner, matter of factly stated, “Linda, we have 55 minutes before the plane pushes from the gate.” “WHAT?” Now, mind you, I have no idea how far we are from the airport, or how far the rental car return is.
Nothing! I knew nothing about how the logistics of this next “adventure” was going to play out! “Holy Crap, you’re kidding!” Like the donkey in “Winnie the Pooh”, he said, in that low keyed voice, “No. I’m not kidding.”
I grabbed the kid and started running! Sage started yelling something in Toddlerish, or Sageze. Could not tell what he was crying out. I made the assumption he was not cool with the idea we hit the beach for fifteen minutes and then we’re, without an ounce of warning, beating feet out of there!
I, carrying this squirming kid, running in very uneven mounds of sand, could only breathlessly, and repeatedly, babble, “Don’t worry Sage we will come back to the beach really soon!”
Dennis was quickly getting farther ahead while I looked like, God knows what I looked like, STUPID, running through volleyball players and hunky tan guys laughing and shaking their heads, yup another time to get small and crawl under a rug somewhere. No rugs in sight, damn!
Finally we got to asphalt and sidewalk! Thank God! I ran with the yelling, writhing kid, his flip flops and mine in hand as fast as I could to the rental van. “Dennis no way I can get this under control and we make the plane. I will have to just drop you off at the airport and take the next flight!” He agreed with hesitation in his voice.
I stripped Sage’s clothes off and brushed sand off him with a washcloth while a nice looking surfer dude passed by chuckling. Whatever! The whole time I was strategizing in my mind about what the rest of that day was going to look like. Then I did the math in my head. 1 kid+ 1stroller+1 car seat + one overstuffed roller board + one computer bag+ 1 food bag+ 1 penguin roller bag= OH MY GOD! Nervous breakdown!
Suddenly that gleam hit my eyes, and Dennis sighed, knowing I was going to go into “crazy mode” again!
“Here, Dennis, take THIS!” I handed him “Naked Boy”. I’m going to change clothes in the car while you drive. We might be able to do this.” Not once did I REALLY believe that. But I prayed.
Like a streak of lightning I recovered all loose articles in the vehicle and hurled them into my flight attendant bag, sand and all! OH GOD! I pulled out a large trash bag to put wet clothes in and took it to the bench seat behind the driver’s seat. Sage’s car seat was strapped in on the same bench behind the front passenger’s seat.
Dennis had “Naked Boy” dressed and was strapping him into his seat while I hoisted luggage out of the street into the back end of the van and slammed the hatch door. (Yes, that kid gets a lot of nicknames! At least he has it better than Bill Cosby, who, for most of his childhood thought his name was “Jesus Christ and God Dammit”!)
Dennis began driving while I looked at Sage and thought to myself, “Should I try this, or just be a solo circus act after Dennis leaves?” I took a gander at all the crap we had and decided to pray and experience the impossible.
I dropped to the floor, threatening Dennis to keep his eyes on the road. Sage looked like a deer in the headlights! “Nana what are you doing?” “Getting my uniform on so we can go on the airplane!” “Oh, okay Nana? Nana, why are you on the floor?” Sage has this big thing about “Privacy please” when I take him to the toilet, so I just said, “Privacy”. He got it!
After turning myself inside out, while imitating a pretzel, and Sage looking on completely baffled, I plunged myself over the rows of bench seats to the back with the luggage. Quickly I bagged my wet clothes and shoved them into the roller board.
I pole vaulted over the bench seats, then, I leaned up into the front passenger seat to get items off the seat, and floor, and crammed them in my computer bag. I crawled around the van looking under seats and found Sage’s battery operated Sea World Light Saber! Can’t go anywhere without the “LIGHT”!
Turned out to be handy, having that thing, because Sage insisted on pushing his stroller through the airport. From the front it looked like no one was pushing it. He can’t see where he is going very well when he does that, so the Light Saber is great for holding up in the air and having him follow it, while I warn all passengers to run from the “Phantom Stroller” while they have a chance!
Ten minutes, I am dressed, make up is on, hair is brushed, I.D. badge and jewelry on, crap picked up and packed! Sweat drizzling down my brow and a two year old clapping. All I can think is, “Tuh-DAH!”
Then it hit me, that’s just the first quarter of this game, we still had the car rental return, airport security, the gate agent, boarding and finding a seat. That is IF we could find the car rental return place. Thank God Dennis brought that little electronic chick we call the “Nagavator”. (GPS)
We got to the car rental place and flew out of the vehicle. Sage cheered us on as we threw bags to the asphalt. The bus to the airport was there waiting to depart. We were in after-burner mode. Sage got plucked from his car seat while Dennis began strapping it to his roller board. We ran to the bus and started hurling luggage at the driver. Sage was still cheering!
Okay we made the half, unfortunately, no half time show to watch, because, we were IT!
The bus pulled up to the airport and we started helping the driver throw the luggage to the sidewalk. Sage was still cheering! “This is a great game!” I was in uniform so we shot to the front of security. Now we had to swing our tractor trailers onto the belt. No one questioned the liquids in the bags because I was in uniform! Man, I love that goofy suit!
Sage, as usual, insisted on pushing his stroller. I grabbed the Light Saber and headed for the elevator while the “Phantom Stroller” moved quickly to follow me! Like a drunk driver, Sage, whipped the stroller all over the place! I walked backwards through the airport pulling the “tractor trailer” encouraging Sage to follow “The Light” and warning passengers to clear the area, if they knew what was good for them. Giggles, finger pointing, smiles and applause showered us all the way to the gate.
We made it to Gate 7 without killing anyone! Third quarter was a breeze! They gate checked the car seat and stroller. Sage got in front of me pulling his Penguin suitcase behind him. Of course the only three seats in a row were in the very back! We charged the aisle!
Sage had his Light Saber in hand and was now showing us the light. The only problem with that was trying to keep him from taking out passenger’s eyes with it while passing them by.
Something happened I never even considered. He had an “incident” with a passenger in front of him! She was a very heavy lady, in black stretch pants. He, unwittingly, assaulted her with the Light Saber while looking at passengers to the side of him. The saber strategically traveled up between her legs and poked her right in the crotch. She had NO idea “Light Saber Boy” was behind her, rather, I mean, “BEHINDING” her!
I grabbed the saber out of Sage’s hand as the lady turned to see who was going where no man, or woman, would dare to go. She looks at me! I, wide-eyed, and terrified, with lightning speed, pointed down. Short guy was forgiven. Laughter came in waves as we passed each row. When was that day going to end, for Pete’s sake? SIGH!
“Penguin Man”, and his following of tractor trailers, and flight attendant escorts, made it to the last row, slinging luggage in any hole, in any bin, we could find. Sage plowed into the row, shoved his penguin bag to the floor and kicked it under the seat perfectly, grabbed his seatbelt and buckled it.
Dennis and I crawled into the row with Sage, dropped to our seats and looked at each other in disbelief as they shut the front door and the plane pushed back from the gate!
“Dennis, HOW did that happen? My God, it was just 55 minutes ago we were on the beach covered in ice cream, sand and ocean water! WOW! Prayer works man!” We laughed and shook our heads. “Yeah, the Power of Prayer, it’ll get ya every time!” he replied.
Sage had his Light Saber in hand, held it high in the air, and cheered, “We did it! Let’s do it again, Nana!” “Okay Sage, that’s a GREAT idea! You do it again, and Dennis and I will cheer you on!”
Moral of the story? NEXT time take the mother too!
September 3, 2009
Linda L.H. Smith, PHX #4705
